The Grace Street Blog

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”- 2 Corinthians 10:5

Anxiety really got to me this week. So much so, that I feared it was the return of the debilitating version I suffered from for years.

Day after day, I found myself struggling to leave the house, fall asleep, hold back random tears, and even eat. I begged God to not let me fall back into the way I used to live. But then, within minutes of ending prayers like that, I would put on sad music and isolate myself from others.

The music was simply a gateway into all of the other comforting, yet life-stealing, behaviors I would indulge in so many years ago.

And then came Wednesday, ironically, the 5th anniversary of this blog. A day I was supposed to be rejoicing. But instead, between a the rough work week and a growing feeling of sorrow, when I got home from work, I was sure this was it. The peace and freedom from the tight grip that anxiety and despair had on me was back and there was nothing I could do.

I tried my best to ignore the emotional pain and eat a warm meal at Cracker Barrel, but once I returned home, everything hit me again. I spent hours rolling around in bed, lamenting to God, but just woke up to puffy eyes and the same dreadful feeling.

Thursday, I walked into work with a heavy heart, tight chest, and the rock one tends to feel in their throat while fighting a breakdown. Avoiding as many people as I could, I had decided on the way home that I was going to take a step further into my old ways.

But before I could reach the liquor store, I felt a familiar version of hope. The waging of war in my heart. The feeling of something else inside of me fighting for new life. For the thing my heart believed it no longer had a chance of winning.

So I took the usual way home and knew I had two options. Either I could sit for a minute and try to convince myself the feeling of war was but wishful thinking, or I could believe the Holy Spirit was my helper and in this weakness, God would show me His strength.

Lover of Christ, when faced with a decision like this, we must move with urgency. Now, in total honesty, I did try to justify making a pit stop for something that would help me numb myself. But when my mind and heart remembered the loving way of my God, even just for a moment, I knew that He was in this with me.

The war is only a war because He stepped in. I would have lost long ago and made my bed among the hopeless. But praise Jesus, for He loves us too much to leave us in a grave He already conquered.

So after I found a park nearby, I packed my things and went. Not because I felt any joy. Not because I had no more anxiety or despair. And definitely not because I believed some fresh air could solve everything.

I went because I knew the boundaries I made with myself on the day my God brought me into freedom from this struggle just a while ago. And as much as every part of my being wanted to indulge in my old ways, it was an attempt to live out 2 Corinthians 10:5 that drove me away from a place I would be tempted further.

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”- 2 Corinthians 10:5

So I walked in that park with faith like a mustard seed. Praying and sitting in where I knew God was present. And I don’t mean because it was nature, but because it was a place I went to in obedience, despite how much it hurt to die to myself.

I might’ve checked the clock a bit to calculate if there was enough time left in the night to even just taste what I used to do. But every time that thought came, I looked around and could not help but be grateful for a God who sees me broken and still moves with compassion and love.

When we have thoughts that draw us back to the self that died when we were redeemed by Christ, we have the opportunity to live out sanctification. To live set apart. To express our love back to God through the surrendering of our hearts and will. To reveal our trust in the Lord, despite how much doubt feels like it’s drowning us.

A beautiful thing to note about this verse is that it is even there. Paul, led by the Spirit, acknowledges our fallen ways. The way we will always struggle with the flesh for as long as we walk this earth. But in the verses prior to 5, we are told a crucial truth that could give us hope in a time in like this;

“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.” – 2 Corinthians 10:3-4

Our weapons are not of this world. When we refer to the armor of God that we are taught to “put on” daily, we will find that our weapon is the “…sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.” (Eph. 6:17)

Of all things, God says our weapon is the truth He speaks. Because behind the words is Him, our almighty, promise-keeping God.

So when the enemy attacks with temptation and burdens that God already conquered, we are given a few things our souls NEED to remember: God goes before us in battles, He overcame every stronghold that tries to hold us from Him, and we are given undefeatable truth as our defense against any lie or attack.

My dear friend, by no means, will the wars end on this side of heaven. And as frustrating as that can be, I hope you see the beauty in the war, because through it, we experience the comfort and protection of the God who steps in for us when we cannot fight any longer. We get the chance to exercise our surrendered hearts to God in ways we never got to before. And more than anything, we are given the chance to depend on the God who longs for loving relationship with us. So when the decision of falling back or taking captive your thought comes, choose wisely. Choose Jesus.

Thoughts to Consider:

What old patterns or ways of thinking tend to resurface when you are tired, discouraged, or hurting?

What boundaries might help you choose obedience when you know you are vulnerable?

What truth about God’s character do you need to remember when your feelings tell you to return to an old way of living?

Consider that sometimes victory doesn’t look like feeling free. Sometimes it looks like choosing freedom while everything in you wants to go back.

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”- 2 Corinthians 10:5