Journaling

The Deep Need for Community – Don’t Cultivate a Heart in Fear of Rejection

bible, Christian lifestyle, Worship

“…let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another…” – Hebrews 10:24-25

In all honesty, community has always been a difficult area of my life. I did not grow up in the church, and when I did end up joining a group, I consistently felt out of place.

Outcasted. Not just because of our general differences, as middle schoolers tend to have, but mainly because of the lies I planted in my heart; that I was spiritually behind everyone else and, therefore, had no hope of ever being a part of a community pursuing growth together. I believed I was the weakest link and so I lived as though I was. Distant. Removed. Isolated, for the sake of not dragging others down in their faith.

It hurt to live this way. It was not what I wanted, but it was the only life I could see myself living without being a burden to those trying to live for Christ around me.

Fast forward to my college years, it was just as difficult, if not more, to find this community. There were kind-hearted people with genuinely good intentions all around me. But because of the seed of inadequacy that I had been cultivating for years now, I refused to pour authentic faith and hope into any form of community. Again, I thought, “I ought to spare those around me from feeling like they must stoop low to help me up.” In what I thought was a purely selfless act, I began living one of the most self-centered lifestyles I could.

“I don’t need community if I have Jesus. I can connect with Him myself.”

Deep down, I was simply a heart in great fear of rejection. I knew that community was encouraged through scripture and the church, but it was not until I began dissecting Paul’s work in a Bible class that I recognized the severity of warfare we face and the desperate need for fellowship that our hearts have.

Romans 7-8 talks a lot about the realities in our minds as our flesh ruthlessly attacks our hearts for Christ. Breaking this down, I finally saw that the individualistic mindset I developed regarding my walk with God was only sabotaging the potential depth of my relationship.

Community is not just encouraged…it is essential. Following Jesus calls us to unity, accountability, and disciplined character so that Christ may be glorified from our hearts to others.

My dear friend, as someone who has desperately tried to avoid tainting the walk of others due to an overwhelming feeling of shame…there is a different life, not bound by the chains of fear. Developing Christian friends, whom you learn to adopt as family, is one of the most challenging acts as it requires a lot of trust, understanding, and humility. But that risk is far more worth it than the risk of standing amidst spiritual warfare alone.

Let the pride crumble and the self-earning mindset come to rest. Jesus lived, died, and rose so that you may be called a Child among countless other misfits like yourself. Not because you deserve it, but because you needed it and God loves you too much to watch you get trampled in a war you would never be strong enough to win on your own.

So take the risk and join the church group. The Bible study you won’t know anyone at. And if you don’t see an opportunity to join one…make one yourself. Do whatever it takes to not give up on meeting together with believers. We all need the love and encouragement.

Hidden Glory – A Short Word on Gratitude & Contentment

Christian lifestyle, encouragement, Worship

Start…

Again and again the world pushes us into this race to the next big thing. Maybe it’s school. Maybe its marriage. Maybe its a career. What ever, it is always the future.

But how long must we pursue the future before we recognize it only leads to longing for the past?

So perhaps we don’t start that next big thing. Perhaps we simply experience. Exist in this moment as we are…

Perhaps we take on each day pursuing the one thing that matters… becoming more like Christ.

In that pursuit, along the way, we lose the deep desire of what has yet to come for what is.

We begin to see the glory of God in every fine detail of our day. The beauty of the garden leaves us in awe not just because of the grand display of flowers, but because we see God’s heart in even the weeds.

My dear friend, the future is delightful and God is certainly in it. But how much longer must it become our past to finally admire it?

In what way is your current place in life one of true gratitude?

The Lord does not just bring peace and hope where He treads. He is that embodied. It is who He is and how He is that gives us the freedom to hope in the wilderness. To love in the hurting. To trust in the confusion. And to rejoice in the now. No matter what that looks like. Not because we have to. But because the peace of having Jesus lead our steps means we get to, without a burden of shame, love and be loved.

So perhaps instead of starting the next big thing, we start seeking God in the place we are now. Dare to hope and look deep for the hidden glory dear friend.

Consistency in Chaos

bible, Christian lifestyle, encouragement, prayer

When life piles up, the circumstances we are in typically end up determining so much more than we may realize. They alter how we hope, what we expect, and how we steward our time. And unfortunately, our faith and relationship with God falls victim to our seasons as well.

But what if that wasn’t how it had to be? What if the consistency in which we long to maintain in our connection and perspective of God could last and stand firm amidst the everchanging uncertainties of life?

In the last few weeks, I have endured quite some change. And allow me to level with you real quick, I absolutely despise change. Or at least major changes. But nonetheless, things happened and my first reaction regarding how it affected my time, energy, and faith in God, was to justify my distracted mind with a saying that I have heard and said a million times before, “When everything settles again, I will get back on track…”

Oh, but that is just it. As we enter into this fall season, school starts again, more holidays come, we join new churches, we live in new places, and we have loads of new responsibilities.

In an attempt to give ourselves peace, we mask our overwhelmed hearts by justifying improper stewardship.

Stewardship is the management of things that do not belong to oneself. I say that because despite the work we do, what we have is ultimately from God, including our time. And what we do with our time is supposed to be for God. So my friend, how is it that you steward your life for His glory?

Because of the lack of accountability we often hold ourselves to, our relationship with God tends to be one of the first priorities in our lives that gets put on hold during changing seasons. Perhaps it is because God will not verbally scold us if we dismiss Him. Or maybe we think we have to come 100% “ready” or it’s pointless. Or honestly, we just think it can wait because…”God understands the pressure we are enduring right now.”

Whatever it may be that excuses our behavior, we live in a culture that promotes “me-time” before “God time”.

Though, I want you to trace back with me and look at the goals we are often pursuing when we build a mindset of believing God can be put on hold…

For me, it’s typically peace. But it could also be a longing for hope in working out the most prevalent things at the moment. Or it could be the desire for grace and acceptance as we begin realizing we have a lot of tasks to do with little time and draining energy. It could be one or all of these things. But my dear friend, I hope you can stop and take a breath as you realize these things; peace, hope, and acceptance, are all abundantly sourced in God first.

Typically, during the weeks preceding major changes, I plan a LOT. Because despite the fact that the majority of things remain outside of my control, an agenda tends to bring a sense of peace in my mind as I name and categorize all of the chaos. This is my skewed idea of stewardship as I seek God through faulty vessels.

Planning is not a sin by any means. But when we go about it in a way that does not first tune into the guidance and wisdom of the Holy Spirit, we are building a foundation of life without the presence of God being invited in. And without His presence, we so easily lose sight of our purpose, identity, and vision of hope.

The high school worship band at my church wrote a song called “Faith of Convenience” with lyrics that will truly make you consider this very discussion.

Could it be, that amidst even the most ordinary parts of our lives…the things we see as simple “everyday responsibilities” have the capability of being stewarded in a way that points to Jesus? And is it possible to remain faithful in our journey with God during the chaos?

I strongly believe so. And with that, my friend, as you begin a new season, or perhaps reevaluate your current one, I challenge you to ask these questions during your planning: Does your life honor God? Does it bring Him glory? Does it push you further in the pursuit of sanctification? Is your quiet time with Him established before all other things?

Consistency in the uncertainty is not impossible. As Christ made His heart and mission known in every aspect of His being, I encourage you that the Holy Spirit can cultivate a transformation that does just that…in the chaos and the mundane.

“Faith of Convenience” – MVMNT Music

The Danger of Little Depth

christian, lifestyle, prayer

“But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few will find it.” – Matthew 7:14

Over the last year, I have been considering the true depth of my faith and relationship with God more than ever before. Unfortunately, however, it was not until recently I understood the value of diving that deep. In fear of either disappointment or a crumbled pride, I pushed away the potential of not being as close to God as I thought, which in turn, lead to a spiral of self-loathing. Though in this search, He who is faithful has done nothing but reveal His sweet and compassionate character time and time again.

Matthew 7:7 begins a section on the opportunity we as believers have to seek from God with confidence. Of course recognizing His authority over ours first, this scripture describes the desire God has for us to ask, seek, and knock. Like a child in awe, yet confused of the world around them, we have the freedom to bring our concerns to God. And like a loving father who reveals truth with grace, so our God does with us.

Deconstruction of the faith has been a topic recently repeated by those around me. Though, not in the way it is commonly known. Rather than the layered demolition of one’s belief in God, I have been contemplating the potentially beautiful outcome of something like deconstruction, but with the goal of developing a more genuine personal faith. I feel as though questions in the Church and amongst our Christian friends have been iced over with superficial encouragement or peer-pressured manipulation to believe in something your mind considers unreasonable in every sense.

This journey I am looking into, and softly challenging you to, is not just asking your general questions you could google and answer in 3 sentences. No. My dear friend, I am speaking about the deep, honest search of our heart, soul, and mind that breaks through strongholds, lights up our hidden doubts, and reveals our greatest fears. This, I have come to believe, may be the kind of journey that brings a freedom we never knew existed. And honestly, perhaps the life we were made to live.

Fear of disappointment may be what prevents us from moving towards this in-depth search through our faith. But if God is who He claims and the sacrifice Christ made for us was enough, this kind journey will only lead to a better understanding our ourselves, God’s heart for us, and an even greater perspective of His faithfulness.

The passage after the one about seeking begins in Matthew 7:13 and reveals one of the most motivational (in my opinion) set of verses for taking on this specific challenge. Questions and honesty in our misunderstanding’s may be swept under the mat by those around you, but I do not believe the placement of these verses was a coincidence.

Just as Jesus explains the way in which we ought to come to Him with honesty, regardless of where we are in our walk, He goes on to reveal a critical note for those who claim to follow Him…

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” – Matthew 7:13-14

Note that the difference between those who go through the broad gate vs the narrow is that they simply enter through the broad, but must find the narrow.

The cost of living for Jesus is dying to ourselves. Why? Because all that we are without Him is sinful. Our flesh longs for immediate satisfaction and ruthless pride. And unfortunately, our world has normalized it to where we so often overlook it’s traces that run deep within our hearts.

My dear friend, it is a tough journey because it is a convicting and humbling one. But it is better to cultivate an authentic faith that leads to life than one requiring no deeper thought as you follow the crowd on the road to destruction.

The Better More

bible, Christian lifestyle, encouragement

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy…” – 1 Peter 2:9-10 ESV

More is a word that I am quite familiar with. It is what I have pursued for so long. What I had hoped my future includes. And what I pray so desperately God reveals to me. More of what?

Well…more good grades. More friends. More talent in writing. More popularity for this blog. More opportunities for my dream career. More success. More joy. More moments where I feel so sure God is working in my life…and more and more and more…

I never even considered the weight of a hope for more in our lives until recently. As I spent a week with my high school students at church camp, it was then that I recognized the difference in the more WE pursue versus the more JESUS gives.

What’s humorous about my desire for more in life is that I feel bad to actually receive anything good. I struggle to accept things without taking on the burden of shame and the dreadful feeling of inadequacy. And for so long, I allowed those feelings to dictate what I allowed into my life.

I would work my butt off for a position or opportunity, but when it would be offered, I would turn it down in fear of failing to measure up. I would push myself to step out and make friends, but when they treated me with a lot of care, I made excuses to flee out of fear of failing to be an equally good friend. And I would hold myself accountable to reading scripture and praying daily, but when I struggled with hardships, I stopped in fear of failing to be good enough before God.

The race towards the more I wanted didn’t scare me. But the perfection that was required to keep the more going most certainly did.

And that’s just it. Perhaps the more I was seeking, that was always followed by the fear of my short comings, was the wrong more all along…

All throughout the Bible, the idea that Jesus offers more for us is repeated in countless variations. He claims that the reality where our fear, worries, troubles, and shame holds us enslaved is not the end. Rather, there is more for even the most sinful. The most broken. The most lost. The most prideful. And the most weak.

There is not just more, but there is A more that is not influenced in the slightest by our own abilities or lack there of. Yes, indeed, there is A more that has NOTHING to do with us. The only catch is that it requires surrender.

When I talk to people about Jesus, that word, “surrender” tends to turn many away. And honestly, as a control freak and someone who feels bad to be a burden on others, it is not my favorite word either. To surrender is not only to give up our will and future for another (God’s), but it also means we must be willing to humbly come as we are. Broken, shameful, ridden with sin. And we then must let Jesus be the one who takes our place regarding the consequences of our actions.

At first glance, this is certainly no easy gift to accept with the way my brain works. Perhaps you are in this same boat. Stuck between wanting something beyond this temporary, unsatisfying world, but too prideful to receive the grace of being made new and made for more.

Woah…woah. Yes. I called it pride. Why? Because though it seems harsh, the lies one must have engraved into their head to get to the point I just described above are lies that must be ruthlessly fought with truth.

When we look at life and think of success as more, we begin seeing our failures as the enemy. As we pursue the wrong more, the devil uses shame to turn us against ourselves. Thus making us feel selfish to let anyone else deal with the consequences of OUR actions. And unfortunately, sometimes in our attempt to be selfless, we become self-absorbed. The more we seek for our life is then completely dependent on our own works. That my friend, is a sneaky pride even the most self-aware can miss.

Dane Ortlund in his book Gentle and Lowly said that Jesus offers “a divine kindness too great to be boxed in by what we deserve.”

Believe me, I do not need even one critic to convince myself that I am undeserving of any grace and mercy. My lovely inner voice tells me that enough. But what if that voice and that message of hopeless unworthiness we tell ourselves is the greatest stronghold keeping us from the selfless more that Jesus calls us to live for? Yet the longer we tell ourselves we can only receive what we are deserving of, the longer we hand over our lives into the grip of the one who seeks nothing but to kill and destroy.

There is a more that we were designed to live for. There is a more that our soul desperately longs for, even before knowing the name of Jesus. And there is a more that will not be stripped from our reach because of anything we do or fail to do.

My dear friend, you were made for THAT more. The one that brings hope, life, and most of all, glory to the God who so lovingly knit you and your future together. Though this more requires surrender, it is the gateway to a freedom like no other. A freedom where mercy runs deep and grace knows no bounds.

There is always a more we can pursue…but the one Jesus calls you and I to, is the one where the striving can cease and the vulnerability of your heart can be safely unraveled for the glory of the One most worthy. What more are you seeking?