christian

Lay It All Down…Again (Pt. 2)

bible, christian, lifestyle

A year and a half ago, I wrote a blog about the need for giving up control. In other words, surrendering it all to God. And strange enough, God brought that topic back into my memory, though this time, from a new perspective.

Our ruthless grip on control can often stem from anxiety in others potentially failing us or a major pride issue. As someone who struggled with both of those problems, after a year of following the strategies I wrote about previously, I find myself at yet another road block. The wretched feeling of just wanting to give up.

I was reading other blogs about this topic recently and I have come to find that this view of making surrendering and “throwing in the towel” interchangeable is actually not that uncommon. Though, that does not make it right.

I get it. You prayed. You read the Bible. You joined the groups. And you tried your best to replace the voice of your anxious heart with the truth of the Spirit. But none of it has led to the weight being lifted or any vision/hope of a purpose-filled future.

But let me tell you a story.

There was a woman who had quite a past. Even the leaders of the synagogue knew of her sinful ways. Yet she heard that Jesus was passing nearby, so she did what she could to get to him. Having no gold or riches to offer, she brings her most expensive alabaster jar of perfume. With the eyes of the high leaders looking down on her, she lays at the feet of Jesus. In material sacrifice, she pours out her perfume on His feet. And in physical sacrifice, she uses her tears and hair to cleanse and dry them.

We are not told of the sins this woman has committed. Nor are we told about the future she lived. But by three simple phrases, Jesus sends her back into the same situation she came from.

“Your sins are forgiven.”…”Your faith has saved you.”…”Go in peace.”

We live in a world that claims we ought to live this life to the fullest because happiness is our main priority. But when did God ever say that? Let me save you from skimming through 66 books looking for it…He never said our purpose was to be happy. He said we were designed for His glory. To worship Him. To be an expression of His love.

Happiness is a fleeting feeling that society connects all too closely and all to often with success. But friends, that way of thinking will only lead to a life of disappointment.

Earlier, I listed a few “disciplines” or faith-based “practices” that the church typically encourages us to follow. These actions are intended to help us grow closer to God, direct us towards worship, and put us on a path that makes us available for sanctification (transforming to reflect Christ more). But again, what happens when it just leads to being drained, wanting to give up?

“Giving up control to God” can raise our hopes to expect something great to happen immediately after. It is a big sacrifice to lay down what we value so much; all our life. And when nothing changes, even after you have given so much, it is understandable to feel discouraged. Though the dangerous thing about feeling this way is that we can get so overwhelmed by the discouragement that our hope fades and our feelings resort to numbing.

In battles of the past, and in many movies, we see a white flag symbolize the act of surrendering. The moment the flag is waved, victory is claimed over one party and the ways of the winner are typically in forced over the opponent.

The losing team is left hopeless, and without any voice.

If I am being honest, when I began the steps people claim help us surrender to God, after a while, I felt the same way. Hopeless.

I did all the “right” things and yet I found myself seeing little to no change in anything. In fact, it felt like my circumstances got worse. There were so many days that I didn’t understand the point of reading the scripture I did, task after task piled up which would lead to me missing days with God and feeling like a failure, and I seemed to lose the enjoyment I had in being involved in the things I was a part of.

So I waved the white flag.

For a moment, I let go of the striving and settled with the fact that I was bound to the infertile soil I seemed to be rooted in. I didn’t pray. I stopped reading scripture with the expectation of receiving anything. And I fell deeper and deeper into the pit of despair I spent so long trying to get out of.

I “surrendered”. Threw in the towel. Raised the flag with the last bit of strength I could bare to give.

What used to be shouts in desperation for God at night turned into silent staring at the ceiling, wishing I could just muster out one tear to know I did not lose my capability of feeling when I lost my hope.

Then I started to hear it.

Through frustrated conversations, honesty in other believers’ blogs, and the small sections of Luke I have been forcing myself to still read for the sake of finally finishing a Gospel…I heard it.

Rather, I saw it.

Through His word in Luke chapter 7 and the words of His children in life-giving conversations, God revealed the critical steps I had missed in the blog about surrender from nearly 2 years ago.

Looking at this passage we see a few important aspects about the woman.

Though she was living in shame from others, she was alert. She was persistent in her desire to encounter Christ, and when He finally came to her town, she went. Because she was faithful in the seemingly fruitless season, she was prepared to move when the opportunity to meet Jesus came up.

My dear friend, it is frustrating to not know God’s timing, but the discipline does not go wasted. The last thing we want is to not notice the hand God is extending towards us because we never spent time getting to know what that would look like, or never built a faith to know it could go beyond than our natural perspective.

When the woman came to see Jesus, she actually came to give before receiving. Presenting no direct plead, she kneels at his feet and pours out her cherished possessions. She came to the alter bringing glory to God. The very thing we were designed to do.

We have no idea the situation this woman endures at home. But we do know that whatever it looked like, had no relevance when it came to what she knew she was to do before God. Whether you are in a great place or the worst in your life, part of truly surrendering our whole being is to offer all we have before God, whatever that may look like. Not because the amount we have represents His level of goodness, but because He is still worthy despite it all. Abundant or barren, we must recognize that praising God is our purpose more than focusing on any other thing in our life.

Sometimes, falling on our knees in tears may be the only offering we can give. And praise Jesus that is enough.

Judging from the pharisees disgust with her, we can assume she was no perfectionist of religious traditions. But, she knew what was more valuable than any of the others who were giving her a dirty look from their high horse.

Not just because she knew what to bring to God, but because she knew the worth behind what she received from Him.

In verses 48-50, we see those beautiful 3 phrases:

“Your sins are forgiven”…“Your faith has saved you.”…“Go in peace.”

Did she expect to receive anything from Jesus? Who knows. But regardless, she got a response. And the sweet thing about these phrases is that we too have been told these when we accepted Christ. Not because of what we have done. Not because we deserved it. But because He loves us so dearly that He chose to make Himself available through our simple surrender.

Yep. I said it. Simple surrender.

Surrender is not burning yourself out until you are forced to wave the white flag. Nor is it hopelessly going through the motions just because people say you should.

Surrender is made simple, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t sacrificial. As we read in this passage, it requires all we are and results in a non-tangible gift.

Jesus just wants you to come. To return back to the calling and purpose you were given as you were so intricately woven in your mothers womb. And what He wants to give you may not look like a new circumstance, but it is a new perspective. A new shot at life that is forgiven, protected, and fully covered in eternal grace. And that, my dear friend, is worth more than all the success and happiness in the world.

For it is a life we cannot fail in and do not have to carry on our own. Praise God and to Him be the glory as we lay it all down…again…and again…and again as each new day arises and He reveals His love more clearly to us.

The Danger of Little Depth

christian, lifestyle, prayer

“But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few will find it.” – Matthew 7:14

Over the last year, I have been considering the true depth of my faith and relationship with God more than ever before. Unfortunately, however, it was not until recently I understood the value of diving that deep. In fear of either disappointment or a crumbled pride, I pushed away the potential of not being as close to God as I thought, which in turn, lead to a spiral of self-loathing. Though in this search, He who is faithful has done nothing but reveal His sweet and compassionate character time and time again.

Matthew 7:7 begins a section on the opportunity we as believers have to seek from God with confidence. Of course recognizing His authority over ours first, this scripture describes the desire God has for us to ask, seek, and knock. Like a child in awe, yet confused of the world around them, we have the freedom to bring our concerns to God. And like a loving father who reveals truth with grace, so our God does with us.

Deconstruction of the faith has been a topic recently repeated by those around me. Though, not in the way it is commonly known. Rather than the layered demolition of one’s belief in God, I have been contemplating the potentially beautiful outcome of something like deconstruction, but with the goal of developing a more genuine personal faith. I feel as though questions in the Church and amongst our Christian friends have been iced over with superficial encouragement or peer-pressured manipulation to believe in something your mind considers unreasonable in every sense.

This journey I am looking into, and softly challenging you to, is not just asking your general questions you could google and answer in 3 sentences. No. My dear friend, I am speaking about the deep, honest search of our heart, soul, and mind that breaks through strongholds, lights up our hidden doubts, and reveals our greatest fears. This, I have come to believe, may be the kind of journey that brings a freedom we never knew existed. And honestly, perhaps the life we were made to live.

Fear of disappointment may be what prevents us from moving towards this in-depth search through our faith. But if God is who He claims and the sacrifice Christ made for us was enough, this kind journey will only lead to a better understanding our ourselves, God’s heart for us, and an even greater perspective of His faithfulness.

The passage after the one about seeking begins in Matthew 7:13 and reveals one of the most motivational (in my opinion) set of verses for taking on this specific challenge. Questions and honesty in our misunderstanding’s may be swept under the mat by those around you, but I do not believe the placement of these verses was a coincidence.

Just as Jesus explains the way in which we ought to come to Him with honesty, regardless of where we are in our walk, He goes on to reveal a critical note for those who claim to follow Him…

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” – Matthew 7:13-14

Note that the difference between those who go through the broad gate vs the narrow is that they simply enter through the broad, but must find the narrow.

The cost of living for Jesus is dying to ourselves. Why? Because all that we are without Him is sinful. Our flesh longs for immediate satisfaction and ruthless pride. And unfortunately, our world has normalized it to where we so often overlook it’s traces that run deep within our hearts.

My dear friend, it is a tough journey because it is a convicting and humbling one. But it is better to cultivate an authentic faith that leads to life than one requiring no deeper thought as you follow the crowd on the road to destruction.

Living Loved and Leaving the Grave Behind

bible, christian, encouragement, lifestyle

“I am willing…” – Luke 5:13 NIV

This has got to be one of the sweetest things Jesus has said, at least in my opinion.

This was said to a leper. An outcast. A man ignored by society and labeled as unclean, useless, unworthy of any community…a man whom Jesus loved.

Understanding why Jesus loves us so much has been a complicated thing to wrap my head around. He loves us because He chooses to. What compels one to see the rejected and flawed as beautiful and purpose-filled? I could not tell you. But what I can say is that God is so willing and loving despite all that we are.

Yet being broken just like the leper, tax collector, and paralyzed man in Luke 5, why is it that when we come to Jesus and are given a new name, there is a hesitation to leave our grave clothes behind as those 3 men did?

Desperate for God’s Involvement

Could it be a result of not actually wanting healing or perhaps the trouble of unbelief?

The moment the man with leprosy caught a glimpse of Jesus, he collapsed. Not even glancing up towards Jesus’ face, he cried and begged at His feet saying, “Lord if you are willing, you can make me clean.”

This man was desperate for healing and acted out in that desperation. He knew the power and heart of Christ enough to know that He could heal and often would.

But what about in your life? It is critical that we posture ourselves at the feet of Jesus in prayer, putting faith in His power that still moves today and in His heart that we know is abundant in love. As the man offered Jesus access into his situation, Jesus “reached out His hand and touched the man.” What a beautiful joy it is to have a God who steps in and reaches for us.

Through the lepers desperation, Jesus made him new. As someone who finds it quite hard to willingly place myself in a receptive posture, I realize that the new creation God longs for us to become cannot be cultivated unless I give Him access. I know it is hard, but my friend, I pray you see that regardless of whether or not you feel worthy of being loved, God’s goodness is running after you (psalm 23). Not because you did anything to deserve it, but again, because He simply chooses to love.

No longer was the man known as a leper, but rather, he was free to leave that label behind and live clean. May we too be as desperate to leave the grave behind as we are desperate to be healed.

Confidence in God’s Faithfulness

This next passage of scripture is honestly one of the most fascinating events recorded. Jesus was in the middle of His teaching when a few men decided it was now or never for the healing of their friend. With the crowd being impossible to push through, these men put their paralyzed friend on a mat and lowered him down from the ceiling!

These men came to Jesus because they were confident of who He claimed to be. Because of their bold faith, they refused to let this moment pass so they did anything they could to get their friend in Jesus’ presence. Can we just pause for a moment and note that these sweet guys are perfect examples of the kind of friend we ought to become and be looking for.

In response, Jesus saw their hearts and said, “Friend, your sins are forgiven.” Again God brought new life into the lives of the broken. He sees the depth of our desires and when we long for Him, being bold in our faith, He responds with sweet redemption. Yet this was not the end of the story. After being criticized by the pharisees, Jesus reassured the crowd of the truth in His word. The same truth the men from the roof believed; Jesus is the Son of Man and holds the authority to forgive sin and heal physical ailments. And shortly after, He told the paralyzed man, “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” And so he did.

Dear Christian, there will be times where the mountain in front of you seems impossible to get through. But may those moments cause us to reflect back and look up towards our faithful God. Sometimes the goodness in the past or in His word is the only clear thing you can see. But let your confidence never waiver for our God is the same loving and willing God as He was in these two passages.

Receptive of God’s Love

Now we come to one of the hardest passages for me to get through. Levi was a man who was shunned by his community, as the jews did not like the tax collectors because they were labeled as selfish traitor’s. He was just a man living in sin, like you and me. But on one random day, Jesus caught sight of this man and said two words to him, “Follow me.” If that wasn’t surprising enough, in what seems like immediately, verse 28 says, “and Levi got up, left everything and followed Him.”

One common theme we see among each of these stories is the obedience of these men as they encounter Jesus. Every single one of them accepted the grace He gave out. Maybe for you that is very easy. But for me, I struggle to understand how they did such a thing. Not one of them tried to explain themselves, make promises to live perfectly for Jesus as repayment, nor were any of them even recorded asking questions of what to do if they became sick, paralyzed, or rejected again. Instead, they openly received the love and mercy of God and went on testifying His goodness.

After Levi started following Jesus, he threw a big banquet at his house. Among the invited were not pharisees and saint’s, but tax collector’s and other sinners. Though that may make our hearts tender to think about, it made the pharisees all the more mad. But again, Jesus defended His love for us as He said in verse 31-32, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.”

I can only imagine the amount of humility it took to be at that party. The people knew they needed Jesus and were willing to be open to His love, even though they knew they could never repay Him.

May we learn to put aside our worries, doubts, feelings of inadequacy, and any other wall that might block our hearts from giving Jesus full access. He loves because He chooses to. And my dear friend, He is indeed willing to make you new if you let Him in. You may not be fully healed or freed from the things you want in the way you want to, but He will surely work things for your ultimate good and for His glory in His perfect timing.

The life of Jesus was lived out so that we could have a path to salvation, yes, but also for God’s heart to be displayed in front of us, as He stepped out of heaven to be in flesh like us. Delight for He is a sweet savior and thank goodness our circumstances nor brokenness change that truth.

Go ahead, leave those grave clothes where Jesus found you and go on dancing for you have been made new.

The Gentleness of Jehovah Jireh

bible, christian, Christian lifestyle, encouragement, Worship

Burnout. I am sure that is a familiar feeling many of us have experienced at some point in our lives. As the responsibilities, classes, workload, bills, and expectations from others pile up so high beyond our vision, there comes a time where the way things are can no longer continue without paying the cost of ourselves. Whether it be our health, time, or sanity, we often trade in a hefty portion of our beings out of fear or for the burden of control.

But what happens when the pile begins to lean? We lose grip. Despite our desire to maintain held together, the weight has become unbearable. We fall. And we fall hard.

The contents in this pile may be from the Lord. They may have been given with great clarity and have resulted in much fruit. But as time went on and our arms began to shake, at just a whisper of temptation and deceit from the enemy, the stack of good things trembles as our fear takes over.

This, my friend, is not a feeling only you have felt. Flip back to 1 Kings 18 and 19 with me…

Elijah, a great prophet of the Lord, faced seemingly one of the hardest days of his life. But surprisingly, it did not follow a trial, loss, or anything of the sort. Rather, it came just after one of the greatest showdowns in history. In chapter 18, Elijah goes to Israel to correct those worshiping foreign deities (baal). In doing so, the prophets of these gods came face to face with Elijah on Mount Carmel to have a challenge. Whichever deity brought fire on the altar they made was the one who they deemed worthy to worship. Long story short, baal did not even make the wind warm, meanwhile God brought a fire so powerful that it engulfed the trench of water surrounding it.

After an awe-striking event like the one just described, you would assume that Elijah was not only amazed, but joyful over the power and faithfulness of his God. But such was not the case.

At the beginning of chapter 19, Elijah is threatened to be hunted and killed by an evil lady named Jezebel. Even after such an incredible act of God, Elijah was fearful. So much so that after running and finding a tree to lay under, he “prayed that he might die.” The verse goes on to say, “I have done enough, Lord…Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.”

How heartbreaking. But also, how similar has it been for some of us to get so overwhelmed and drained that even though we are confident in the power of God, we fall into the taunts of the enemy to give up. To leave it all behind. Or if you’re like me, just numb it all out and seclude yourself.

However it is that we handle our moments of feeling overwhelmed, I want you to pay very close attention to how God responds to Elijah.

After being completely honest with God in his despair, Elijah did not wait for a response, instead, he actually just fell asleep. (verse 5)

But thank goodness we serve a God who is not only powerful, but the most gentle provider. Jehovah Jireh means “the God who provides”. Though this characteristic is often used in reference to the story of Abraham, I feel as though it is also so beautifully exhibited in this scene to come…

Hearing His child cry and seek comfort under the shadow of a tree, scripture immediately goes into revealing the caring heart of
God as the verse reads, “all at once an angel touched him and said, ‘get up and eat.'” with bread appearing over hot coals and a jar of water lying beside it. And so, Elijah did. Then shortly after, he fell back asleep. Honestly, I find this so sweet that with such peace and comfort in the presence of the working hand of God, Elijah doesn’t ask questions or try to pay God back. He just accepts the care and food provided and continues resting.

It is so nice to know that when we come to God, our striving can cease. He knows we cannot properly handle this whole life thing on our own, so my dear friend, please stop making yourself carry a weight not meant for your limited capacity.

Moving on to verse 7, it begins with a patience so wholesome. Revealing God’s understanding of us and our drained hearts, He does not make His angel force Elijah to stay awake after eating and drinking. Instead, there is a moment where God gives Elijah time to sleep before the verse stated, “The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, ‘Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.'”

Wow. I pray in your moments of feeling scattered and empty, you may rest in the loving care of God. He does not condemn us for how we feel. Rather, He does everything He knows will bring comfort and true life into our dying hope.

I encourage you to go on reading through chapter 19 as God eventually ends up speaking in a soft, gentle whisper after Elijah feels strengthened. But for this blog, if you take anything, I pray it is openness you pursue towards the things God wishes to fill you with. Not to preach the false health, wealth, and prosperity gospel, but for the sake of remembering who truly has control.

It wasn’t until Elijah began fearing Jezebel’s threat based on his own strength that he felt overwhelmed and in despair. His focus was lost. Whether it be a common struggle we have to rest in the hope of God’s provision or not, I warn you fellow Christian, that the enemy can so easily slip into even the smallest of cracks in our unbelief. But when, not if, you find yourself in this position of fear or despair, do not push aside the only source of strength and love that is capable of restoring your hope.

God understands your flaws and limits. Yet He still desperately pursues a relationship with you. I pray that you, my dear friend, take heart in the gentleness of Jehovah Jireh. For no other can provide your every need in the same perfectly compassionate approach of Him who came off His throne for you to have a path to redemption.

at a loss.

bible, christian, Christian lifestyle, easter, encouragement, lifestyle, prayer, Worship

I don’t really want to write anything right now. Like if I could hide away in my room for the next few years, or maybe decades, I totally would.

I write this blog on Monday, March 27th, 2023. Four days before I put down my best friend. My baby. My beloved 14 year old pekingese, Macho. I didn’t want to write anything because I didn’t want anyone to ask about him or ask how I am doing because it will just make me feel worse. But for some aggravating reason, God keeps weighing this post on my mind. And yes, I say aggravating because I REALLY don’t want to think about it, much less write and post about it. But maybe God wants to speak to someone besides me, or maybe it is just for me to look back on as the encouragement I may desperately need in the coming weeks. I guess we shall see.

One thing a lot of people don’t know about me is that I struggle a lot with being joyful. But recently, when I would think about what I have to do in four days, God has been reminding me that there is ALWAYS good to find. Crazy, I know. Believe me, He knows I think it is absolutely insane to see any glimpse of goodness in this time. But He persisted with this promise every time I would try to negotiate Him giving Macho 20 more years of life in exchange for literally anything I could give up. In all honesty, it was kind of annoying. As I said, I struggle with being joyful quite a bit. Not because I can’t see it, but because after so many disappointments in my life, I tend to not even try to look.

But that’s just it. If Jesus, in all His glory, is standing 1 foot away from me, but I keep my eyes and ears closed in the name of “protecting my heart from another disappointment”, it is not His fault that I cannot see His goodness.

I heard this song by Hannah McClure called “Always good”. I love that song…usually. But when I was thinking about what is about to happen, all the song did was make me mad. How can God ALWAYS be good, or turn things for good, if things like this have to happen? Like why even exhaust myself trying to see this glimpse of glory if it is only a result of the massive storm of pain?

Then my mind reminded my heart of this: John 3:16. Genesis 37. Genesis 6-9. Ruth. Daniel 3. and so on.

In each and every one of those stories, there was a devastating or super scary experience or event that happened just before God revealed exactly where His goodness had been the whole time. And yes, Jesus is included in the list. God Himself, lost His Son. Not by natural death, but by sacrifice because He knew it was the most loving expression anyone could do.

Ironically, Easter is in just a few weeks. But three days before that is a day that should be very dark. It’s the day Jesus died. The day that Heaven went silent, in a mixture of mourning and anticipation for the promise of the coming goodness. We call it Good Friday only because we can testify of the genuine goodness that followed that devastating event.

But what about times like now? Where the only thing in sight is the devastation. The loss. The event that honestly seems impossible to be turned in any other direction besides depressing.

My dear friend, if those are your thoughts, I am right there with you. But I have learned some stuff recently. And although I am slow to wanting to feel gratitude towards anything right now, I have to say, I believe God has prepared me for this moment with snippets of truth He brought me through the blessing of others over the last few months:

Joy is a choice. You can be joyful without feeling happy. It is okay to be sad, God designed us with emotions, but it is not okay to let the sadness be louder than the truth from the voice of the Spirit. The mind can know truth without the heart believing it. In this case, choosing to surrender your heart to God even when it feels pointless is your most important task. And lastly, God is ALWAYS good. His plans are good and beautiful regardless of the mess you feel entangled in.

Again I say, joy, and honestly, experiencing anything pertaining to the character of God, IS. A. CHOICE.

It is a choice that only you can make. And it is a choice that requires discipline over motivation. Wisdom over feelings. And faith over sight.

This is definitely not the first time I have felt this way about life and the goodness of God and honestly, I am pretty sure it is no where near the last time. But that is just it. Life is a cycle of ups and downs, not because God’s goodness changes, but because we fail to choose consistent faith in who He is.

Like a roller coaster about to make it’s big drop, we close our eyes in fear of what lies ahead. We scream in chaos because we are overwhelmed by the experience. But friend, the longer you close your eyes and the louder you scream, the more time you will spend shutting out the potential goodness Jesus want’s to show you and the less you will hear the voice of truth and peace that the Spirit wants to whisper to you.

Dear tender-hearted reader…and future me, I know goodness is the last thing you want someone to tell you to “try to see”. I know numbing emotions, sulking, or distracting yourself may seem a lot more intriguing. But worldly solutions were not meant to heal a heart designed and crafted in Heaven. Only our gracious, and yes, very good, Creator can properly handle that beautiful, yet broken heart in a way that will last.

Be honest in your pain. But do not misplace your desperation when searching for healing. You belong to God. And oh boy, is there so much great freedom in that.

Choose to believe the fruit will one day bloom from your soil that seems to only be getting tilled right now.

So…where do I see the goodness in losing my dog? Well, the truth is, I don’t. But perhaps the glory of this moment will come to life after my own. Perhaps the goodness was meant to be seen in the life he lived. Or perhaps it is in the fact that he no longer has to suffer. Whatever it is, wherever it is, does not change the truth that it is somewhere. So may worship continue according to the truth I know, as God is still always good, even when I can’t see it.